So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
