We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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