HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
