He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
