No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
