you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
