As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Drake has all the answers
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
