Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
