she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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