someone threw a dead crab at me
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
