She said her name was "party"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
