dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
