Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
