We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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