had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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