I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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