hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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