So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
