So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm sobbing to NWA
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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