I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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