I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
