she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
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