the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
