Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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