____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
