I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
