dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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