Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
