Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
