So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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