sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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