I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
