One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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