Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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