God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My feet surprised me
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