We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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