what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
