I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
