Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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