My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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