That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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