the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
