I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
