I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
