Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
