just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
