how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
