My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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