There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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