he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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